I'm Getting There

Ever just need... something?

Shew. I'm feeling it. Can't really put my finger on it, but there's a void somewhere. 

My upbringing has really screwed me up in several ways to be extremely honest, and I fight anger often. 

Thankfully, I still have some faith despite the confusion I faced early in life; the heartbreak and humiliation; the fact that people made my presence feel pointless... unless I said and did exactly what was expected. Of course, that differed a little with everyone, so there was no way to win. 

Either way, even now I find myself let down by people - their lack of involvement in my life. Or, maybe, their type of involvement?

I don't know. Either way, I'm finding opportunities to bring joy into my life. I'm learning which dreams I want to chase and who I'm called to be as a person. 

I've learned what I think and why I think it. Decided for myself how I want to be with people and handle situations. 

I still have questions... probably always will. There are still moments my mind runs wild trying to figure out why certain people just disappeared as soon as I felt safe enough to be somewhat vulnerable.

Maybe my realness was inconvenient? So many don't want anything shading their sunshine or raining on their parade. 

Adults aren't great at being friends. You find your few weird ones and stick close to them... but remember, grown up lives are too busy to strike up new relationships, it appears. 

Unfortunately, most of my childhood friends had to step away from me when we made decisions that didn't match up to what we had been taught was acceptable. Try being 22 years old and having to create a whole new world of connections. #difficult

I found some, thankfully. They're mostly "front porch friends." But there are a few that get to come in and stay a while!

Man, I'm rambling today, I guess. My whole point is you can't expect people to fill your voids. Maybe sometimes. But you need faith. Purpose. Fun. You need the ability to be authentically you and not feel small for it. 

You're not too much or too little to be loved wholly. 

Sometimes I want to pack up and move to LA or Tampa... Montana even used to sound good! 

I don't know. Not sure if I need to change location, direction, or simply my outlook. Probably some of all three... however, being one who has become a pro of pretending all is well, I refuse to completely neglect the reality of my emotions. So, I'll be positive... but I'll also be real. 
I'll keep moving. I'm getting there and I will figure it out. 

You, too?

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