"But sometimes we mistake our ability to be unaffected by life... as peace."

Ian Morgan Cron - The Road Back to You

Today feels heavy. 

Know what I mean? Those days that leave you with feelings that make emotional pain feel physical?

I lost my stepdad 8 years ago today, unexpectedly, at age 43. 

My dad buries his best friend (for my whole life) today. 

We dealt with a very emotionally challenging, nearly debilitating foster care experience 6 years ago this month. 

AND it's National Infertility Awareness Week... poking at a wound that's still very much open for me. 

Add that to the normal stressors of life... 

Yeah, I feel like I've got a bag of bricks sitting on my chest, sand in my eyes, and a fog taking over my brain.

I have even admitting these things. I'm a natural peacemaker. An enneagram 9. I'm one who innately feels the urge to be a calming presence around others... take on their feelings... go with the flow... ease the stress... soften the blows of life... help heal broken hearts. 

It's not comfortable to admit my own fears, hurts, frustrations, and angers. 

But, if self-care and therapy have taught me anything, it's that I need to be cared for and calmed, too. 

It's hard for people to do that if they don't know you're in pain, right? It's hard for YOU to do it if you don't admit it to yourself, too!

Yep, I'm having a conversation with you and me today. 

The quote I started with really hit me when I heard it this week. I took pride in "zoning out." I thought I was strong for pushing down what I was feeling and pretending it didn't exist. 

But that's just it... it actually does. 

I'll forever be that girl that chooses to rise above, pursue big things, laugh hard anyway, love without condition... but, I still have to acknowledge my inner voice and listen to it on occasion. She deserves to be heard, too. 

If you're like me, and feel like there's no point in "letting it out," listen... That's malarkey. There is! Even if you're the only one that gets it.